Dealing With Divorce!
Divorce is rarely an easy thing
If you are in a challenging marriage and it looks like divorce is likely, maybe even inevitable, then Hypnotherapy can help to make life a little better during and a lot better after one!
Divorce can occur at any time in a marriage, shortly after it began or after many years and rarely is it easy, although it is most often more difficult for one party than the other and if there are young or dependent children involved, well, that can complicate matters even more!
If you are in a marriage, or civil partnership, that is faltering, you may have considered or want to save the marriage and it may well be worth pursuing that option. The next decision, to that end, is who, what, when and how? An option I provide is that of a free 1-hour consultation, this can be as an individual (an option for you both) or as a couple, the choice is yours.
If you are in a marriage, or civil partnership, that is faltering, you may have considered or want to save the marriage and it may well be worth pursuing that option. The next decision, to that end, is who, what, when and how? An option I provide is that of a free 1-hour consultation, this can be as an individual (an option for you both) or as a couple, the choice is yours.
So what are the options?
WHO: if you are in a heterosexual relationship, you will need to choose either a female or male therapist. Usually, people will have a preference and if you both have the same preference that will potentially simplify the initial choice. However, if you have an opposing preference, then I’d suggest trying out both preferences. When it comes to the nuts and bolts of choosing a therapist, gender is the least important factor! Training, experience, empathy and impartiality are far more important. If you are in a same-sex relationship, the same dynamics apply, simply because people have a range of preferences when it comes to dealing with highly emotional matters.
If the marital relationship is beyond reconciliation and divorce is inevitable, then a therapist can help you, and often your partner too, manage the situation, in essence, making the best out of a bad situation! This becomes even more important if there are children involved and I cannot stress strongly enough how divorce can negatively affect a child’s growth, life and future relationships!
If the marital relationship is beyond reconciliation and divorce is inevitable, then a therapist can help you, and often your partner too, manage the situation, in essence, making the best out of a bad situation! This becomes even more important if there are children involved and I cannot stress strongly enough how divorce can negatively affect a child’s growth, life and future relationships!
WHAT: The next step, is what type of therapy would suit you best?
The most common options that people seek are counselling or psychotherapy. Most often but not always, the couple is seen together and this type of therapy can take many months, sometimes years! From both a financial and time perspective, this can be very draining! Another option is hypnotherapy, which is often quicker, more effective and from a financial and time point of view, less costly.
WHEN: Choosing the right time to see a therapist is important and the best time to both choose and see a therapist, is when you are both in a better frame of mind. This doesn’t mean it is necessary to be in a good frame of mind because these situations are often highly emotional and anxiety, stress and mood levels are often very high, we just don’t function at our best under these conditions but some days are better than others and those are the days to make the choice of therapist and the same applies on the day of the appointment. If one or both of you are having a bad time that day, it would be better to postpone the appointment and a good therapist will understand this and not punish you by charging you for the cancellation, I certainly never would!
Another option, if anxiety and mood for you both are challenging, is to see the therapist individually in the early stages and this can help one party, to help the other. In my couple’s/relationship therapy, I like to see both parties together and separate. Individually you help each client deal with both the relationship issue but also their own individual life challenges and issues. This is important because it is our own psyche that often is involved in relationship issues! As a couple, it can help to find common ground, e.g. what brought you together in the first place? What was involved in pushing you apart, e.g. was it gradual over the years, children growing up and leaving home etc. or was it sudden, say an affair?
While an affair or a one night stand is high on the divorce scales, they are rarely a consequence of sheer lust. Most usually they are a consequence of one or both parties' needs not being met. Humans inherently need to feel the emotion we call love, the problem is, though, we rarely understand exactly what love is! Love for nang people, is rhetorical, “I love you” but love is an emotional feeling experience, brought about by the firing of brain cells that emit specific neurotransmitters, peptides and hormones. I refer to this as chemical soup and when you have all the right ingredients, you get the best life experience.
However, we need this chemical experience across all areas of our life, not just in our relationships and if life, generally speaking, has not gone well for us, then we often have difficulties in other or all areas of our life!
So, therapy can have an effect way beyond the intended purpose of healing a faltering or broken marriage, it can give our life purpose and meaning and that can drastically improve the overall quality of everything!
WHEN: Choosing the right time to see a therapist is important and the best time to both choose and see a therapist, is when you are both in a better frame of mind. This doesn’t mean it is necessary to be in a good frame of mind because these situations are often highly emotional and anxiety, stress and mood levels are often very high, we just don’t function at our best under these conditions but some days are better than others and those are the days to make the choice of therapist and the same applies on the day of the appointment. If one or both of you are having a bad time that day, it would be better to postpone the appointment and a good therapist will understand this and not punish you by charging you for the cancellation, I certainly never would!
Another option, if anxiety and mood for you both are challenging, is to see the therapist individually in the early stages and this can help one party, to help the other. In my couple’s/relationship therapy, I like to see both parties together and separate. Individually you help each client deal with both the relationship issue but also their own individual life challenges and issues. This is important because it is our own psyche that often is involved in relationship issues! As a couple, it can help to find common ground, e.g. what brought you together in the first place? What was involved in pushing you apart, e.g. was it gradual over the years, children growing up and leaving home etc. or was it sudden, say an affair?
While an affair or a one night stand is high on the divorce scales, they are rarely a consequence of sheer lust. Most usually they are a consequence of one or both parties' needs not being met. Humans inherently need to feel the emotion we call love, the problem is, though, we rarely understand exactly what love is! Love for nang people, is rhetorical, “I love you” but love is an emotional feeling experience, brought about by the firing of brain cells that emit specific neurotransmitters, peptides and hormones. I refer to this as chemical soup and when you have all the right ingredients, you get the best life experience.
However, we need this chemical experience across all areas of our life, not just in our relationships and if life, generally speaking, has not gone well for us, then we often have difficulties in other or all areas of our life!
So, therapy can have an effect way beyond the intended purpose of healing a faltering or broken marriage, it can give our life purpose and meaning and that can drastically improve the overall quality of everything!
How working things out helps
WHEN: Choosing the right time to see a therapist is important and the best time to both choose and see a therapist, is when you are both in a better frame of mind. This doesn’t mean it is necessary to be in a good frame of mind all the time. It's just that it may help because these situations can be highly emotional and anxiety, stress and mood levels are often very high. The simple facts are that we just don’t function at our best under these conditions. Nevertheless, some days are better than others and those are the days to make the choice of therapist and the same applies, if possible, on the day of the appointment. If one or both of you are having a bad time that day, it may be better to consider postponing the appointment. Generally speaking, an experienced therapist will understand this and not punish you by charging you for the cancellation, I certainly never would!
In preparing for your appointment, it may be useful to take time to review your time together, which should include the time together before you got married or entered a civil partnership. In some cases, it is the commitment factor of being in a relationship that plays a part in it deteriorating. Gaining some understanding as to when, how and why things went wrong may be helpful in the therapy session.
A much more common aspect of things breaking down is the nonconscious awareness of not being or feeling loved, maybe even an awareness of your needs not being met? This is the one aspect that seems to play a role in cases of infidelity. Our non-awareness of the absence of being or feeling loved cannot be overemphasised, simply because we are social beings stemming from tribal origins. We, for the most part, can only survive in groups and family is the most powerful group there is. Years ago people did not move that far out of their tribal territory but that is no longer the case!
In this ever-evolving world, we live in, people are becoming socially estranged from many areas of their lives, a consequence of social media and mobile technology. There is no doubt this is having an impact on relationships and, in one form or another, people are seeking the chemical correlates of love, in any way they can get it. So, in the lead up to your session, take note of all the behaviours that affect your life and compare how different they were to the early days of your relationship!
Emotional states of awareness are becoming a common narrative with couples, the narrative consciously or nonconsciously is that of love! The apparent truth about love though, is that so few of us actually can define what it is? Nevertheless, it's a word we use from a very young age and we use it regularly but not necessarily in relation to romance. People love to read, watch movies, walk in the park etc.
Fundamentally the feelings we associate with love are primordial feelings that initiate reward type behaviours. These behaviours will have us doing anything and everything to achieve 'that feeling,' be it shopping, exciting events, sex, drugs, or even rock and roll! A question I ask clients on a relationship matter, is, do you love your wife/husband and they mostly say yes. I then ask, how do you know? That takes longer to ask and often there is no answer but there definitely should be! Sometimes it may be that we fell in love with the way that person made us feel and not necessarily with the person. That is a consequence of romantic love but not attachment. As relationships settle down, naturally we mature, albeit at different rates, and life moves in certain directions. This is why it is important to know or discover, what it is about someone that you love.
Part of the therapeutic process is to help you discover as much about yourself as possible. This process of self-discovery and, hopefully, self-enlightenment can be immensely useful, if you wish to reconcile and, perhaps, even more so if you don't because a bad divorce can have far-reaching effects. I have known many people over the years, where the effect of a bad divorce was significantly more challenging and sometimes longer-lasting than a bad marriage. So, therapy aims to help you through this difficult time, be it for reconciliation or parting ways but doing so in a way that is as pleasant and amicable as possible.
A much more common aspect of things breaking down is the nonconscious awareness of not being or feeling loved, maybe even an awareness of your needs not being met? This is the one aspect that seems to play a role in cases of infidelity. Our non-awareness of the absence of being or feeling loved cannot be overemphasised, simply because we are social beings stemming from tribal origins. We, for the most part, can only survive in groups and family is the most powerful group there is. Years ago people did not move that far out of their tribal territory but that is no longer the case!
In this ever-evolving world, we live in, people are becoming socially estranged from many areas of their lives, a consequence of social media and mobile technology. There is no doubt this is having an impact on relationships and, in one form or another, people are seeking the chemical correlates of love, in any way they can get it. So, in the lead up to your session, take note of all the behaviours that affect your life and compare how different they were to the early days of your relationship!
Emotional states of awareness are becoming a common narrative with couples, the narrative consciously or nonconsciously is that of love! The apparent truth about love though, is that so few of us actually can define what it is? Nevertheless, it's a word we use from a very young age and we use it regularly but not necessarily in relation to romance. People love to read, watch movies, walk in the park etc.
Fundamentally the feelings we associate with love are primordial feelings that initiate reward type behaviours. These behaviours will have us doing anything and everything to achieve 'that feeling,' be it shopping, exciting events, sex, drugs, or even rock and roll! A question I ask clients on a relationship matter, is, do you love your wife/husband and they mostly say yes. I then ask, how do you know? That takes longer to ask and often there is no answer but there definitely should be! Sometimes it may be that we fell in love with the way that person made us feel and not necessarily with the person. That is a consequence of romantic love but not attachment. As relationships settle down, naturally we mature, albeit at different rates, and life moves in certain directions. This is why it is important to know or discover, what it is about someone that you love.
Part of the therapeutic process is to help you discover as much about yourself as possible. This process of self-discovery and, hopefully, self-enlightenment can be immensely useful, if you wish to reconcile and, perhaps, even more so if you don't because a bad divorce can have far-reaching effects. I have known many people over the years, where the effect of a bad divorce was significantly more challenging and sometimes longer-lasting than a bad marriage. So, therapy aims to help you through this difficult time, be it for reconciliation or parting ways but doing so in a way that is as pleasant and amicable as possible.
Working towards a happy ending
HOW: The how can depend on where you both are along the road, be it to divorce or reconciliation. This can be because one of you may not wish to fix the marriage because it’s the other's fault and if it wasn’t for . . . well, we’d be alright? Other reasons are pride, egotism, narcissistic or selfish and self-centred behaviours, mental illness, neuropsychological issues or emotional dysfunction! Childhood trauma or trauma experienced in adult life can be a factor, e.g. losing a child, successive miscarriages or an inability to conceive, the list can be endless with or without rhyme or reason!
The intention of therapy is to help you discover the options, potential pitfalls/outcomes, methods and strategies available to you both and hopefully the best possible solution, which may actually be divorce? As illogical as it may sound, making a plan to have the best possible divorce, no matter who is perceived as being at fault, is the better option and hypnotherapy for divorce and all of its emotions can help!
The intention of therapy is to help you discover the options, potential pitfalls/outcomes, methods and strategies available to you both and hopefully the best possible solution, which may actually be divorce? As illogical as it may sound, making a plan to have the best possible divorce, no matter who is perceived as being at fault, is the better option and hypnotherapy for divorce and all of its emotions can help!
It can also help if you have already divorced and are struggling with the aftermath and/or rebuilding your life. Life after divorce is akin to grief for some and therapy, especially hypnotherapy, can greatly assist you in getting through the grief, naturally and effectively. Grief is a process and the one major factor in relationship grief, is that the person you lost, whether willfully or not, is still alive and, therefore, a factor in your life. Forgiveness plays a very important role in your ability to move on, even if you are or feel you are the person most responsible for the breakdown. The lack of forgiveness keeps you locked in stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining. . . “what If”), from which, without resolution, you cannot move on!
So if you are in a marriage/relationship that is faltering, one that has broken down or one that has ended, and, you need help, please get in touch, either for an informal chat or a free consultation, know your options!
Hypnotherapy is available and will help you to move on more quickly, be it alone or together!
So if you are in a marriage/relationship that is faltering, one that has broken down or one that has ended, and, you need help, please get in touch, either for an informal chat or a free consultation, know your options!
Hypnotherapy is available and will help you to move on more quickly, be it alone or together!
