Before attempting to answer this question, I will first preface it by saying that it is not about blaming or pointing fingers and it in no way infers that parents are bad or wrong.   But rather, it's about some of the practical realities I have experienced as a Therapist, as have many other Therapist and non-Therapists I have spoken to on the matter of Children’s problems!

So, the question is “Why do children have problems?” In my experience the answer is a multi-faceted one. However, one reason that sticks out, way above most others, and is almost universally accepted as being causal, is because they have parents! Now Please remember; I did say it's not about laying blame on Parents or saying they are bad people!

Children face a whole series of first time experiences that can shape or influence them in many ways. For 9 months, in the womb, all they know, although they are not aware that they know it, is a world devoid of meaning, other than from an emotional/chemical experience felt as a consequence of sharing this time with their mother. For the first several months after birth they don't even know that they are separate beings from their mother. And when that little arm flashes across their face they don't even know it is theirs; but they very soon work it out!

During this early stage their little brain is acquiring knowledge and neural growth at an enormous daily rate and this is done via processes called learning (environmental) and selection (genetic); but that subject is the matter for another article! And over the next few years this little baby becomes a child, and goes from not being able to talk, yet communicate its needs very effectively, to learning the process of acquiring language, without knowing how that language is formed. Then they learn the skill of understanding this complex array of symbols called the alphabet and putting them into groups to form words and then grouping the words to form sentences and beyond that to learning the meaning attached to those groups of words. And this, in a sense, is where things can go awry, because it is the meaning we attach to words and phrases that can cause problems in later life.

One parent says, "he who hesitates is lost" the other, "think before you leap." The former could be attached to the trait of spontaneous or irrational behaviour... act first think later! The latter in a habit of debilitating indecisiveness and poor decision making! Then there statements like: "little boys (and I guess girls) should be seen and not heard" or little boys don't cry or don't get above your station young man. Or, wait until your father gets home, then you'll get it! Or the bogey man will get you etc. ect. By the time most children reach the age of 5 they have experienced a vast array of negative, unproductive and confusing learning strategies; all perhaps well-meant or intentioned but, more often than not, totally un-useful; at least in the context of what was meant to be taught. And I am convinced that what manifests in later life as low self-esteem and lacking in confidence may be consequential to phrases of this type.

Language is one of the major ways we communicate and the meaning attached to language has a huge influence on the outcome of any communication! Three words with just one word being different can have a profoundly different effect on almost any person:

1. I love you
2. I'm leaving you!

Just as the foetus feels its mother's emotions (chemically speaking), as a baby and later child it continues creating this emotional database via a brain structure called the amygdala. After it reaches about 5 years old the database is more or less complete and is then used by the brains defence system, which involves the amygdala, (H)ypothalamus, (P)ituitary gland and (A)drenal glands (HPA Axis) to navigate its way through life. So, the context and bodily sensations felt by the foetus, baby, child will elicit the required response. We often know this as stress or anxiety. However, its intention is always positive as it is the major defence system of the body/mind union. It is important to understand that this system is charged with the responsibility of survival; not quality of life! So, while we consciously pursue quality of life, our subconscious mind often has another agenda and it is, I believe, where it starts to get complicated for children.

So, while their little minds are trying to make sense of all this learning, they also have to learn to understand the adult world perspective, which for the most part is just way beyond their ability to comprehend; mostly because the prefrontal cortex (frontal lobes) of their brain is developing in mass and function and does not fully develop until they are a young adult. Most growth in this region of the brain occurs in the first few years of life; but how this develops in terms of a persons personality/character can vary enormously.

An oft forgotten fact about children is that they also suffer from the effects of stress, anxiety and depression! They also grieve for lost loved ones (sometimes including pets, albeit to varying degrees). Now I know that much of this may seem obvious, but in the field of child therapy/psychology, it is very obvious that this is not the case, i.e. that it is not obvious. Sometimes (if not most), parents are overwhelmed with their own emotions and seemingly either overlook this known fact; or are unaware of it to start with! If this is true, then parents are unwittingly adding to their child's problem or difficulty.

How do I know this you may ask? Well this is evidential from the number of people who, in adult life, come to Therapy with emotional and/or mental issues that relate back to their childhood experience. And it is not unusual, in fact quite usual, for this to have some relevance to how they were loved (or not) or their perception of that.

In fact, I am convinced that how a person is loved (as opposed to not so) has far more consequences towards their adult wellbeing, than how much they were punished. Now, putting that in context. If you could take two children, who receive the same amount of punishment or discipline. One child is loved abundantly and unconditionally and the other somewhat neglected, or not loved, chances are the child that feels, or is, unloved will likely have more difficulty in adult life. The chemical signature we know as Love, has an enormously empowering effect on us. And, for the most part, this forms part of the experience we seek through the use of mind altering stimulants, e.g. smoking, alcohol and/or drugs; prescribed or not!

Unfortunately, in a fortunate way, we do not get many well adjusted well loved people presenting for therapy!

Love says it all!

First and foremost Children need unconditional love; love that is not contingent on the fulfilment of a parent's expectations. Some parents misunderstand this as being a life without discipline or punishment (they think to love a child unconditionally, you cannot discipline or  punish them), this is an incorrect assumption. Children need boundaries, they need guidance, they need limits.

I hear many parents talk about unconditional love, but see very few who really understand it; and even less who practice or adopt it as their philosophy! And I understand that, because it requires a very special understanding of how life works to be able to administer Love UNCONDITIONALLY!

Unconditional love, put simply, is no matter what you do, achieve, are etc. I LOVE YOU. If you get A*'s I LOVE YOU, if you get F's I LOVE YOU. How and why you love your child should not be contingent on them performing or meeting your expectations. Even more so if you have one exceptionally bright child and some others of normal intelligence!  Of course, you may be disappointed if they get F's and overjoyed if they get A's. And you would be somewhat negligent if you did not encourage, or motivate them to do well in school and in life. But remember this, not every child is a Child Star. Some, in fact most, are average. However, it is a fact that some of the world’s most ingenious inventions and discoveries have come from very ordinary and average people, the vacum claeaner and cats eyes to name but two?

Now, when I say love your child I am talking about the act of loving, not the knowledge of it! It is possible to know that you love someone, but at the same time not experience that love. When I refer to love I am specifically making reference to the feeling that we assign to love, which I am sure differs in intensity with each person; but not in the biology of them. When we expereince love, what we feel is the result of specific neurotransmitters, hormones and peptides that abound throughout our body and it is this aspect of love that has very beneficial effects on our whole body system; I guess that is why it feels so good to be in love. On the other hand, knowing that you love someone may be as valuable as knowing that an apple a day keeps the Dr. away; but not eating the apple!

To implement discipline effectively, children need to know what they can and can not do. They need firmness and fairness, they need to know that you say what you mean and mean what you say (both, or all, of you). Children are sometimes like test pilots; they are continually pushing the envelope. And for that reason, you need to be consistent for them. If they make a bigger envelope; perhaps you need to become a bigger mailbox?

Getting it right can be tough!

Good parenting is often achieved by the collaboration of two well-functioning adults, for the better good of their progeny! Although this is much easier to say than do; it is highly achievable! You don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand that there may be a link between a dysfunctional or broken home and adult difficulty. I have had clients say they felt like a pawn in a giant game of chess, often due to their parent’s relationship difficulties (e.g. divorce, affairs or just toxic or abusive behaviour).

Of course you could also say that many people survive this, some even flourish because of it; and this is true. But that doesn’t mean it is right or useful, and you will never know what those who seemed to have flourished could have achieved if things had been different; better?

The real point of this, is that life is just so much more fun if it is well balanced and functional. Love is what we all seek and we seek it in many and varying ways. And without doubt, the world would be a far lovelier place if there was more Love in it!

The corollary between mankind and nature is quite awesome and children are no exception to this. Some seeds need to be exposed to fire before they germinate; these are seen as special seeds, with special needs. They are not deficient; just special. Some children are like this, they are special, not deficient. Perhaps they need someone to ignite the fire that will allow them to grow (sometimes exponentially so) and reach their full potential. If you or their teachers can't light that fire; that is not necessarily their fault; is it not?

There is also the matter of the way that schools teach children. For many years it has been accepted that the school system does not cater to the learning needs of each individual child; but rather adopts a mass approach. Those who learn the way the school teaches, will often do better than the ones who need a different teaching style. That being the case, this poses the question ‟ is learning difficulty or a teaching one!

If there are two parents in the child’s life; there should be a consensus, among the parents, on how to raise the child. That is to say, that the parents should speak with one voice. The child must know that what daddy says is the same as mummy; and visa versa! If there are two parents, and a maid; the maid must speak the same language (hypothetically speaking), if the maid allows the children to do things against the parent's wishes, this creates confusion in the child's mind. It can also lead to an imbalance in the child's attachment of parent's and maid; as can having several maids! And of course, some parents may do well in listening to their maid. Just because you can produce a child; doesn’t give you any special talent in raising them!

The disparity with which children are treated is usually in some way symptomatic with the difficulty that the adult(s) experiences in managing their own life effectively. Put simply, if you are a dysfunctional adult; you may be(come) a dysfunctional parent!

Whilst it is natural for a parent to want the best for their child, the child is not there to fulfil the aspirations and dreams of the parent. In that sense, it is not necessarily the objective of your child to live your life; or to make up for your own disappointments!

It is also not necessarily a healthy thing if they are pushed or coerced into a profession because it demands high wages or a certain prestige; e.g. football, golf, medicine, Law etc. However, if the child shows a remarkable gift or inclination towards something, and enjoys it, then it may prove to be good for the child to receive encouragement and support in that endeavour. Tiger Woods is a perfect example of a child prodigy (with or without his issues)!

It's not about YOU?

I have seen many clients who are in a profession of their parents choosing and not their own (emotional blackmail, acceptance, approval are usually somewhere to be found here). Just because you, your Father, Grandfather, Great Grandfather etc. was a Dr. Lawyer, Architect etc. does not mean that is what your child(ren) should, or want to, be.

It may be fair to say that your job, as a parent, is to guide, not lead, your children.  Because work tends to dominate the larger part of everyone’s adult life, as such, it is essential that your child (as an adult) does what they will enjoy. And more importantly, it may help them find their passion or true calling in life.

Parents can often think that a child has problems in isolation from them or the family; which is sometimes true. However, in my experience, children more often than not, have problems because of the parent’s and family. And that does not necessarily imply it's the Parent's fault!

Parents with more than one child can often think that if one child doesn't have the problem and the other does, then it is that child’s fault or problem. However, it is well established that parents treat children differently. I have lost count of the times a client has told me that their brother(s) sister(s) were more favoured by one parent or both (in single child families, cousins can often be used as favourable reference points; your cousin this, your cousin that etc.). And even if this was only the perception of the child, and not true, the child will still respond as if it were true! Parents can greatly influence perception; good or bad, positive or negative.

Children are also exceptionally perceptive and sensitive to the distribution of love and fairness. So, should you treat your children the same then? Well, yes and no. Each child is unique and as such needs to be treated in a way that allows them to flourish. But, at the same time, there are areas where sameness is beneficial as this fosters a sense of fairness.

Part of the art of parenting is in how you communicate to each child why you treat them, or their sibling(s), differently. Children (typically above 5-7 years old) are usually far better at understanding things than parents often give them credit for. And for sure, children are growing up quicker today than in times past.

Also, added to this, is the fact that many parents could benefit from some form of psychological therapy themselves, e.g. Counselling, Psychotherapy, CBT, Hypnotherapy, EFT etc! If we have resolved our own emotional issues, we are far more likely to be stable as people and more specifically; as parents.

Just because your big; doesn't mean you are adult!

Parents are frequently known to punish children relative to their own emotional state; at that moment in time. So, if they are highly stressed, anxious, angry, frustrated or agitated then the degree to which they reprimand their children varies. Parent’s are sometimes just reacting to the vicissitudes of life; i.e. being emotionally highjacked (they lose it)! In reality, the way we discipline a child should be relatively constant. Imagine how you would feel if the Judge gave you an extra 5 years prison term, just because he was in a bad mood?

It is also known that children can play up (misbehave) in order to get the attention of the parent, (and for some this becomes a lifelong behaviour) which can suggest that the child is deficient in parental attention or love and they will seek it at any cost, even being punished, just so long as you pay them some attention/love!

You could wonder what goes through the mind of a child when they see one parent physically, mentally or sexually abuse the other. Then, in the making up process, profess their undying love for the person they just abused?

As an aside, it may also go some way in explaining why the bullied become the bully, the abused the abuser, the aggressed, the aggressor etc. Certain types attract/become the very thing they say they do not want. For example, some people seem to keep getting a partner who abuses or mistreats them. Yet, they say this is not what they want. I believe this is what they know logically; but not emotionally. You could call it emotional unintelligence, could you not?

Also, if children can't get the affection they need from one parent, they may/will try to get it from the other; and if they can’t get it from within the family, they may/will try to get it from without! If they observe aggression being used by one parent to assert their will on the other, they may/will replicate this behaviour outside the home. If they see one parent submit to the other as a way of avoiding unwanted action or behaviour, they may/will replicate this also. If they experience both of these behaviours in the one family unit, they may become confused, indecisive and ineffectual!

One way of looking at these traits, is as being those of the potential bully or bullied (or both, the bully-victim). The bullied can often become known as people pleasers (life’s victims). Submitting to the will of others in order to avoid punishment or to be liked. They find it difficult to say NO; take on more than they can do etc! In essence they live life according to the rules and whim of others.

As a consequence, people pleasers are very often good at their jobs, hard workers, diligent, reliable and to a certain degree responsible. So much so that they often get promoted and then their world can change; in some cases, it falls apart. The reason is that these people are followers, not leaders, they often lack effective people skills, they lack the ability to say no, to be firm, to make tough decisions; they need to please, not lead! And, somewhat ironically, my opinion, they seem to gravitate towards positions in HR!

On the other side of the scale are the aggressors, they tend to be more leader types; of course, that does not mean they are necessarily good at it. Merely, that they find pleasure in having the upper hand that accompanies power. They tend to be inconsistent, show favour to some and are sometimes unusually hard on others. They often frown on weakness and can be unjustly harsh on people; especially the people pleasers.

Then there are the detached parents, usually the father figure, but not always. They believe their job is to provide the money for the family's needs. The idea that they have to be present and involved in their child’s upbringing is something of anathema to them. The raising of children is women’s work. However, at the time that this myth was propagated, women did not work (at least not paying work). Nowadays it is quite usual for both parents to work and the mother/wife is still, more often than not, expected to do the woman’s work, as well as her job.

If the parent's are experiencing relationship difficulties, children are usually very perceptive about this. Again, this is evidenced by the way adult clients relate to their childhood experience within the family and consequential to this, they now see themselves as somehow deficient beings; e.g. low: self-worth, self-esteem, confidence etc. This can also be a consequence of the parent that wants to do everything for their child parent; ostensibly in the name of love. They want to help, teach, inspire their child. But rather they often disarm them and make them ineffectual. The child is not used to making decisions or taking action on their own part. Very often this signifies a problem in the parent's psychology!

We are capable of healing!

So, in conclusion, if your child(ren) are experiencing difficulties, you may do well to ask yourself, "in what way am I involved in this problem"? Children are in a situation that is often not of their making and they very often learn to cope well as a child. But often, as they mature their newly realised adult perspective, complete with judgment and self-condemnation, allows them to put a different perspective on the issue; and not always a healthy one at that!

Children do have issues that are often totally unrelated to their environment, but parents need to know what the problem is and how, if at all, they are involved in it. If parents see the child's issue in isolation of themselves; then all we get to work on are the symptoms?

If you as an adult, or as a parent, are experiencing relationship difficulties, try to sort this out. Do not, for the sake of the children, live a life of denial; because the only one you are deceiving is yourself. Although you will ensure that I have a job for life!

The above is my view and is based on stories I hear from my clients, as well as others. And is reflective of how their parent's and/or other dysfunctional relationships in their life have affected them.

For children to flourish they need stability, consistency, fairness and most of all LOVE. And if you cannot provide any or all of the first three; then give them more LOVE!

If you feel there are similarities in your life(s) experience and would like to discuss this, initially FREE OF CHARGE, please feel free to call me to make an appointment.

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