Helping people deal with the emotions of a divorce in Singapore

Getting divorced

Divorce is rarely an easy thing to go through

Hypnotherapy helps to make life a little better during and a lot better after one!

Divorce can occur at any time in a marriage, shortly after it began or after many years and rarely is it easy,  although it most often more difficult for one party than the other and if there are young or dependent children involved, well, that can complicate matters even more!

If you are in a marriage, or civil partnership, that is faltering, you may have thought if it is possible to save the marriage and it may well be worth pursuing that option. The next decision, to that end, is who, what, when and how?

So let’s look at your options!

WHO: if you are in a heterosexual relationship, you will need to choose either a female or male therapist. Usually, people will have a preference and if you both have the same preference that will potentially simplify the initial choice. However, if you have an opposing preference, then I’d suggest trying out both preferences. When it comes to the nuts and bolts of choosing a therapist, gender is the least important factor! Training, experience, empathy and impartiality are far more important. If you are in a same-sex relationship, the same dynamics apply, simply because people have a range of preferences when it comes to dealing with highly emotional matters.

If you’d marital relationship is beyond reconciliation and divorce is inevitable, then a therapist can help you, and often your partner too, manage the situation, in essence, making the best out of a bad situation! This becomes even more important if there are children involved and I cannot stress strongly enough how divorce can negatively affect a child’s growth, life and future relationships!

WHAT: The next step, is what type of therapy would suit you best?

The most common options that people seek are counselling or psychotherapy. Most often but not always, the couple are seen together and this type of therapy can take many months, sometimes years!  From both a financial and time perspective, this can be very draining!

Another option is hypnotherapy, which is often quicker, more effective and from a financial and time point of view, less costly.

WHEN: Choosing the right time to see a therapist is important and the best time to both choose and see a therapist, is when you are both in a better frame of mind. This doesn’t mean it is necessary to be in a good frame of mind because these situations are often highly emotional and anxiety, stress and mood levels are often very high, we just don’t function at our best under these conditions but some days are better than others and those are the days to make the choice of therapist and the same applies on the day of the appointment. If one or both of you are having a bad time that day, it would be better to postpone the appointment and a good therapist will understand this and not punish you by charging you for the cancellation, I certainly never would!

Another option, if anxiety and mood for you both are challenging, is to see the therapist individually in the early stages and this can help one party, to help the other. In my couple’s/relationship therapy I like to see both parties together and separate. Individually you help each client deal with both the relationship issue but also their own individual life challenges and issues. This is important because it is our own psyche that often is involved in relationship issues! As a couple, it can help to find common ground, e.g. what brought you together in the first place? What was involved in pushing you apart, e.g. was it gradual over the years, children growing up and leaving home etc. or was it sudden, say an affair?

While an affair or a one night stand is high in the divorce scales, they are rarely a consequence of sheer lust. Most usually they are a consequence of one or both parties need not being met. Humans inherently need to feel the emotion we call love, the problem is, though, we rarely understand exactly what love is! Love for nang people, is rhetorical, “I love you” but love is an emotional feeling experience, brought about by the firing of brain cells that emit specific neurotransmitters, peptides and hormones. I refer to this as chemical soup and when you have all the right ingredients, you get the best life experience. 

However, we need this chemical experience across all areas of our life, not just in our relationships and if life, generally speaking, has not gone well for us, then we often have difficulties in other or all areas of our life!

So, therapy can have an effect way beyond the intended purpose of healing a faltering or broken marriage, it can give our life purpose and meaning and that can drastically improve the overall quality of everything!

HOW: The how can depend on where you both are along the road, be it to divorce or reconciliation. This can be because one party may not wish to try and fix the marriage because they think it’s your fault and if it wasn’t for you, well, we’d be alright? Others reasons are pride, ego, narcissistic of selfish and self-centred behaviours,  mental illness, neuropsychological issues or emotional dysfunction! Childhood trauma or trauma experienced in adult life can be a factor, e.g. losing a child, successive miscarriages or an inability to conceive, the list can be endless with rhyme or reason!

The essence of therapy is to help you discover the options, potential pitfalls/outcomes, methods and strategies available to you both and hopefully the best possible solution, which may actually be divorce?

It can also help if you have already divorced and are struggling with the aftermath and/or rebuilding your life. Life after divorce is akin to grief for some and therapy, especially hypnotherapy, can greatly assist you in getting through the grief, naturally and effectively. Grief is a process and the one major factor in relationship grief, is that the person you lost, whether willfully or not, is still alive and, therefore, a factor in your life. Forgiveness plays a very important role in your ability to move on, even you are or feel you are the person most responsible for the breakdown. The lack of forgiveness keeps you locked in stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining. . . “what If”), from which, without resolution, you cannot move on!

So if you are in a marriage/relationship that is faltering, one that has broken down or one that has ended, and, you need help, please get in touch, either for an informal chat or a free consultation, know your options!

Hypnotherapy is available and will help you to move on more quickly, be it alone or together!